Washington D.C.

Donald Trump’s Thursday press conference was supposed to be about introducing his new pick for Labor Secretary, Alex Acosta. Instead it descended into what the New York Times has labeled “77 Chaotic Minutes“.

They weren’t the only ones who were unimpressed with the rambling, nonsensical diatribe. Jake Tapper called Trump’s performance “unhinged“. Jimmy Fallon devoted the entire cold opening of his show to mocking it with hilarious effect. Really no one who watched even part of the excruciating train wreck could help but feel deep concern for our nation while wondering in a real sense if the “President”* is mentally unwell.

(*We put “President” in quotes because we don’t believe he’s legitimate.)

In case you missed it, here are the top 10 wackiest, scariest moments from yesterday’s insanity

1. Trump asked African-American reporter April Ryan. if she could set up a meeting with the Congressional Black Conference (CBC).

It started when Ryan asked if Trump was going to “include the CBC” when crafting a plan to fix the inner cities of America. Clearly not knowing what CBC stood for, he responded “The who?”

When Ryan clarified who she meant, Trump asked her if she knew them and could set up a meeting for him. It was probably everything Ryan could do right then not to facepalm right in front of him.

The idea that Trump needs a black woman to set up a meeting for him with other black people is all kinds of stupid and racist. It’s like asking your Chinese-American friend what to order at Panda Express. Not only that but the “President” has an entire department in the west wing dedicated to scheduling meetings for him.

Or does he? It’s just as likely that hasn’t been staffed yet.

Then Trump told a bizarre lie about how he’s asked African-American congressman Elijah Cummings (D-Mary) for a meeting, but Cummings told him he couldn’t go because Minority Senate Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) wouldn’t let him. Cummings debunked this bulls**t story right after the press conference, saying in a statement, “I have no idea why President Trump would make up a story about me like he did today. Of course, Senator Schumer never told me to skip a meeting with the President.”

The disturbing thing here is this it continues a bad pattern. Whenever Trump is cornered or uncomfortable, he begins to make up a bunch of crazy nonsense that is easily disprovable. When your default switch is to lie your ass off when you get stressed out, you don’t belong in the White House.

2. Trump said the “dishonest media” would accuse him of acting crazy while he was in fact acting crazy.

“Tomorrow, they will say, “Donald Trump rants and raves at the press.” I’m not ranting and raving. I’m just telling you. You know, you’re dishonest people. But — but I’m not ranting and raving. I love this. I’m having a good time doing it. But tomorrow, the headlines are going to be, ‘Donald Trump rants and raves.’ I’m not ranting and raving.”

Good. Lord. I. Just. Can’t. Even. What Trump did there is the textbook example of a headache-inducing paradox. He was “ranting and raving” about how he wasn’t ranting and raving. It’s like the one where Pinocchio says “My nose is about to grow because I’m lying”.

Sigh. Let’s just let the video speak for itself.


3. Trump repeated the easily debunked lie that his electoral college victory was one of the biggest of all time.

“I got 306 Electoral College votes. I wasn’t supposed to get 222, they said there’s no way to get 222. 230’s impossible. Two-seventy, which you need, that was laughable. We got 306, because people came out and voted like they’ve never seen before, so that’s the way it goes. It was the biggest Electoral College win since Ronald Reagan.”

No, Donny, it was not. Bill Clinton and Barack Obama both had bigger margins. Reporter and American hero Peter Alexander pointed this out. So Trump pivoted and said he meant “by a Republican”. At which point Alexander rightly told him George H.W. Bush’s victory was larger. Alexander then asked him why the “President” would keep repeating this lie. To which Trump replied “I was given that information; I don’t know. Actually, I’ve seen that information around. But it was a very substantial victory, would you agree with that?”

No we don’t agree with that. Because it wasn’t. He lost the popular vote by over 3 million people, which is by far the largest loss ever by someone who still gained the office. 54% of people in this country didn’t vote for him. So that’s not “substantial”. Rather it’s almost as tiny as Trump’s Cheeto colored, p**sy grabbing fingers.

4. Trump created his own insane logic about the leaks coming out about his campaign being in contact with Russia.

“Well the leaks are real. You’re the one that wrote about them and reported them. I mean the leaks are real. You know what they said. You saw it and the leaks are absolutely real. The news is fake because so much of the news is fake.”

Let me explain why the above statement makes no f**king sense whatsoever.

Trump admitted the leaks themselves were real – as in yes, people were actually leaking things. He also said the leaks were a problem because the information in the leaks was classified. 

By that logic it means the info contained in the leaks was true because otherwise it wouldn’t be classified, since the government doesn’t classify information that is bulls*t because there’s no point. It would be like keeping cubic zirconium in a wall safe.

But Trump then claimed the information contained in the leaks was false. Which can’t be true for the reasons just stated – if it was false it wouldn’t be classified.

Then Trump blamed the media for reporting the info that he called false but by his logic is certainly true.

Ok my head hurts I need to lie down.

5. Trump called Melania “the highest quality you’ll ever find”.

You might be thinking I took that quote out of context to make it seem more icky. I didn’t. Here’s the word salad surrounding it.

“I’ve known her for a long time. She was a very successful person — she was a very successful model; she did really well. She would go home at night and didn’t even want to go out with people; she was a very private person. She was always the highest quality that you’ll ever find.”

That is just gross. He’s basically saying “My wife was a hot model who didn’t bang every guy in sight so I consider her to be ‘high quality’ in the way that I consider certain cuts of USDA beef to be delicious.

With reports coming out left and right that Melania is “miserable” about her role in the White House, one wonders if that misery is compounded by having such a sexist vulgarian for a husband. Or maybe she’s used to it. After all it’s not like he just got this repellant in the last four weeks.

Follow the author Sean Kent on Twitter – @seankent – and Facebook